


a hairy problem

by dorky (dorcas_gustine)



Category: Avengers (Comic)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-13
Updated: 2011-06-13
Packaged: 2017-10-20 09:25:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/211249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dorcas_gustine/pseuds/dorky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Steve has a problem with Tony's hair. No, not that kind of hair. And not that one, either.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	a hairy problem

**Author's Note:**

> Betaed by [](http://neptunedream.livejournal.com/profile)[**neptunedream**](http://neptunedream.livejournal.com/)
> 
> I wrote 616!fic and no one dies or is horribly traumatized! WOW! Also, there's no CW, SHRA tripped and broke its neck, the Skrulls took a wrong turn at Alpha Centauri and got lost, and Norman Osborn is a villain so no one in their right mind would give him a job as the king of the world.

Steve traced his fingers over his lips, following the contours until he stopped, his thumb at the edge of Tony's mouth, to bend down and kiss him lightly.

When he drew back, he was frowning, puzzled.

"What?" Tony asked, shifting around in the bed so he was fully facing him.

Steve's thumb stroked down Tony's chin, over the neatly trimmed hair of his goatee. "Your goatee," he replied, still frowning.

"What about it?" Tony asked. "Is it lopsided? Did I shave badly?"

He got up from the bed and went to the closet, to check himself in the mirror. He studied his reflection carefully, but there seemed to be nothing wrong with it.

Steve chuckled. "Come back to bed, Narcissus," he said, patting the mattress.

Tony trudged back and dove under the covers. He suppressed a shiver. While sleeping with Steve meant lying next to a never-ending source of heat, braving the world outside the covers when one was naked was never a good idea.

Steve put an arm across his shoulders and drew him to his side. Tony gave a small sigh. "What's wrong with it, then?" he asked, when his feet had regained some feeling.

"It's just," Steve shook his head. "Three weeks ago, you had a goatee. And then last week you had moustaches, and now a goatee again."

Tony tensed beside him. "Can't a man change his looks?" he asked, evenly.

"Tony, I've been spending a lot of time with you," Steve said. "I think I would have noticed if you started growing your goatee after you shaved it off. I like to think I'm observant."

"Are you suggesting that I'm... Tony Stark's evil clone?"

Steve was silent for a long time after that. "No, I- why would you be the evil clone?" Steve asked, finally. "Don't villains always wear moustaches?"

"Nah, they changed that while you were in the ice," Tony told him. "Evil twins, clones and alternate selves now wear goatees."

"Good to know," Steve said, "but I don't think you're anyone's evil clone."

Tony sighed and buried his face into Steve's neck. He mumbled the answer against Steve's skin.

"What?" Steve asked.

Tony drew back and cleared his voice. "Um," he said, his face was burning. "Extremis," he said, finally.

Steve stared at him. "Extremis," he repeated. "Ex- _How_?"

"Well, when I reprogrammed myself," Tony started and he shot a glance at Steve. Better to get over that part quickly, before it caused all sorts of arguments to come out. Steve still hadn't gotten over the fact that Tony had become for all intents and purposes a computer. "I wrote some code for my... hair."

Even as he was saying it, he realized how stupid it sounded. By the end of the sentence, Tony had buried his face in the pillow.

"You wrote code. For your hair," Steve repeated. "I- _Why_?"

Tony sat up. "Look, I'm a busy man," he said, narrowing his eyes at Steve as if daring to say otherwise, "I barely have free time. In fact, all my free time is spent with you. Sometimes I have to go days without sleeping, but I still need to appear as fresh as a daisy."

Steve blinked at him, probably not expecting the outburst. "Okay," he said after a moment. "So you... programmed your hair to- switch between a goatee and a moustache?" he asked, bewildered.

Tony sighed in frustration and fell back against the pillows. "Of course _not_!" he exclaimed. "I was going for goatee. But I must have done something wrong."

"You?" Steve exclaimed, widening his eyes theatrically, his hands flying to his chest as if to prevent his heart from bursting out in shock. "You programmed something _wrong_? Maybe you are an evil clone! Tony Stark would never make such mistakes! Or at least, he'd never admit to them."

"Shut up," Tony ground out, kicking him in the shins. "I was half-dead at the time. Be thankful I didn't give myself a third arm or something."

Steve sobered up instantly, and they fell into an awkward silence.

"So, um," Steve resumed after a long moment, "what went wrong?"

Tony frowned, trying to come up with a simple enough explanation. "The regeneration process is in a loop," he said. "One week my brain thinks I should have a moustache, the week later a goatee."

Steve gave him a long look. "You know," he said, conversationally, "I've fought many foes, and I've seen many things that most people would think impossible. But your schizophrenic facial hair takes the gold."

Tony hit him with a pillow. _Hard_.

Because he deserved it.

**Author's Note:**

> WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE TIMES WHEN HIS FACIAL HAIR IS SCHIZOPHRENIC AND THERE'S NO EXTREMIS? Well, it's simple. Those times Tony is an evil clone. Or maybe he's a mutant whose powers are to change his facial hair at any given moment. Or maybe his facial hair has acquired sentient life (it's not like it would be the first time with Tony). WHATEVER!


End file.
